Anger & What You Can Do
Having anger and rage is one of the least talked about symptoms of having a maternal mental health complication. Anger and rage can make women feel out of control. We hear from women that they don’t feel like themselves, this isn’t like them, and that they feel they can go from calm to rage in a matter of seconds. Here is a very simple starter list of tools we have heard other women use to help when their anger grows.
Count it out.
Some mothers find that counting to 10 helps them to take a moment to catch their breath before lashing out in anger, or singing the ABC’s in their head gives them a pause. Some women pair this with taking a time out to help them get some space to feel back in control.
Take a time out.
Sometimes removing yourself from the situation can help cool you down enough to either talk about how to resolve the conflict or to address what made you angry in the first place. If you have a baby, you can always put the baby in the crib to take some time to breathe, or you can ask your partner to be on parent duty while you take a time out.
Go for a walk.
When some women feel their anger rising they get outside and go for a walk. This could be a run, a bike ride, or anything that gets them out of the house and breathing. This allows them to take a pause, collect their thoughts, take deep breaths, and then come back to address what triggered their anger.
Circle of Control
It is easy to get angry when we focus on things we cannot control, like how much our babies actually sleep, how much our partner actually helps, or how disrupted our lives become after having a baby. All of this is out of our control. It is equally frustrating to feel like we have absolutely no control over our lives. Sometimes we need to remind ourselves what is in our control. Using the image above, you can draw three circles nested inside of each other on a piece of paper, or you can imagine it in your head. In the outer circle write down the things that are bothering you, things that are not in your control. Now inside of the inner circle note everything you actually have control over. Some things you actually have control over are how you feel, how you speak, how you choose to think about the things that are giving you a hard time. You can also control how well you communicate what you need from others, and how well you listen to yourself when you need to take a break. What else can you put in that inner circle? Whatever you put in that circle, you actually have control over. All the things on the outside of that are out of your control.
Meditate
Mediation can be extremely helpful to help manage hard emotions. Mindfulness meditation is very effective in training the mind to be more of a witness, rather than getting entangled in every emotion. Here is a helpful meditation called Metta Meditation, sometimes called the loving-kindness meditation. This meditation, among others, can be very helpful in creating a calm mind and emotions.
Be specific.
Many times anger comes when we are feeling like our needs are not being met, or we are not getting the help we need. In these cases, being as specific as possible about what you need from others can be helpful to those around you. Let partners know: “I need help at bath time.” “I didn’t sleep and need you to watch the baby, so I can sleep for a couple of hours.” “I need you to do the dishes or help pick up toys.” Being as specific as you can helps others know exactly what you need.
Talk to Someone
Talking to a trained therapist can be extremely helpful when dealing with anger and rage. You can visit How to Access Care to learn how to find the right therapist.
Books & Podcasts
Here are some helpful books that you may find helpful and here is an episode on postpartum anger and rage from Mom & Mind.
Listen to music.
Music can be very calming. If you feel your emotional temperature rising, try to listen to some of your favorite music, or music that you find calming and soothing.
If you are in crisis or you think you may have an emergency, call your doctor or 911 immediately. If you're having suicidal thoughts, call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) to talk to a skilled, trained counselor at a crisis center in your area at any time (National Suicide Prevention Lifeline).